How to Kill a Vampire
by Risa McDohl
Summary: HP with a decent dash of Twilight. My, err, rather messed up rewriting of the ending of GoF, wherein Cedric Diggory gets to live because Edward Cullen sparkles when he dies. I was bored. Edward fans will have to forgive me. Or not. I don't really care.


**WARNING:** This story is for two of three types of people. 1) HP fans that hate Twilight. 2) HP fans that like, perhaps even love Twilight, but can also appreciate a dark sense of humor every now and then. Not 3) Twilight fans who'll try to tear me a new one for poking fun at Edward, but will just make me LOL. Ten points for grammatically deficient rage! ROFL. I have no soul, and I'm too old to care what you think of me.

Seriously, though. This is for LULZ, not for offense. This is meant to be funny, not offensive. The overly-sensitive type should push the back button. Last warning alert, last warning alert!!! No? OK!

NOW THAT _THAT_ TL;DR'S OUT OF THE WAY, ENJOY MY BOREDOM!

How to Kill a Vampire

or

What Really Happened at the End of GoF

or

Cedric Diggory Owns Edward Cullen

or

You Spat Acidly At My Sparkly Death Scenes

or

BEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHH

by Risa

---

They had been had! The Tri-Wizard Tournament cup was a port key all along! Harry and Cedric had been transported to a dark and dreary place and were surrounded by death eaters and the notorious Lord Voldemort himself. It was madness (madness…) and for a split second they had forgotten to breathe. Their adversary had slits for nostrils and skin as pale as death. Why, the way he snarled and then laughed it sent chills through the blood and scorched the soul and all that fancy stuff. Oh the horror, or something.

"At last I've got you right where I want you, Harry Potter. I'll make this quick! Avad-"

"Beeeellllllllllllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" cried a mad frothing boy from the distance coming ever nearer in the blink of an eye. If this fanfic were written from Bella's point of view he'd have the face of a god and the perfect body and blah blah boring boring blah. All I see is greasy unkempt bangs of raven (yeah, because hair being made out of an ugly bird is all the rage these days), a ghastly expression caught between having too much gas and having too strong an urge to eat babies, and a gaunt pale face that immediately leads me to suspect that he has some kind of terminal illness. It's a turn on. _Really._ But I digress. Back to Harry and the gang.

"What in bloody Merlin's beard-" said Harry, stopped short by the ferrous panting and acidic glare of icy rat poison daggers that Edward Cullen shot acidly at Harry. Hey Stephanie Meyer, I'm going to beat you at the extravagant word choice game, like, tumultuously, or something. I don't even know what the fuck I'm saying anymore! Back to the story.

"Bella was kidnapped by rabid tentacle monkeys of lore. I've failed her. But YOU," he said, jabbing a finger icily into Cedric's chest for no apparent reason. "It's your fault. You WILL tell me where she is. I can crush you with my bare hands, you know. She's nothing without me, and I without her," he said, one perfect crystalline tear cascading down his effervescent cheek. Err. If I keep writing like this I'm going to puke.

"IT'S GOOD WRITING! I'M PERFECT IN ALL WAYS! _YOUR MOM!_" Edward spat acidly at the apparently incorrect narrator. Yeah, whatever you say, Sparklecheeks.

Anyway.

Cedric looked stunned and confused, unable to comprehend this enigma that rivaled He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named in terms of terror, insanity, and cancerous-looking skin. He thought he ought to be scared, but since the arrival of Edward he was wondering if this was all some elaborate folly thrown together by Viktor Krum or Fleur Delacour. Somehow he doubted it.

"You… will… tell… me… where… Bella… is… Bellllaaaaa!!" Edward started to froth again.

"Err," said Harry, no longer able to focus on Voldemort when even the death eaters seemed to be snickering and murmuring amongst themselves. "You ought to get that frothing fixed before you do anything else. Can't be healthy." After that a death eater or three roared in laughter, which set Voldemort into a fit of rage. How dare Harry Potter be _RIGHT THERE_ and _IGNORING HIM_. The dark lord! The killer of mud bloods! The eater of babies and kicker of puppies! Why_- just. how. dare. he!_

"ENOUGH!" bellowed Voldemort. Everyone's eyes bounced between him and Edward, all the more fire to fuel Voldemort's rage! "As I was saying-Avada Kedavra!"

Violent green sparks bolted from Voldemort's wand aimed directly at Harry. With only a millisecond to spare Cedric whipped his arm toward the vicious vampire Edward and knocked him into the line of fire in order to save his friend. Cedric Diggory is awesome you see.

Edward's was a pretty death. He was engulfed in luminous green and started to sparkle heavier than he had ever sparkled in the sun. It was like confetti exploding from his body, only sparkly. Harry, Cedric, the death eaters, and yes, even Lord Voldemort himself was utterly dazzled by the show. I guess an abundant amount of sparkles even amuses evil overlords.

Then the light show dimmed, and everyone started to come to. Voldemort was the last to break from his dazzled stupor. Unfortunately for him Harry and Cedric escaped using the port key while he was distracted.

"Curses!" said Voldemort, stamping on the ground like a five year old. "Foiled again."

"Master! I say, this boy's flesh tastes like chicken," said Peter Pettigrew, gnawing on Edward's singed arm.

"Really?" said Voldemort, plucking off a thigh. He always did have a taste for vampire flesh, even fake ones! "Oh well. I've still got three more books to do away with that blasted Harry Potter and those filthy mud bloods!" All the death eaters around him laughed and dined on dead vampire flesh as though it were fine wine. It was a happy ending for all. Harry Potter saved the day… I think, Cedric Diggory didn't have to die, and even the death eaters and Voldemort got to chant creepy occult type-things as they burned the bones and the bowels of Edward Cullen. It was even a happy ending for Edward, for you see, Bella wasn't really abducted by rabid tentacle monkeys. In fact, she decided to grow a backbone and date a "real man" behind Edward's back, and he never had to find out. Yay!

T H E E N D . T H E E N D . T H E E N D . T H E E N D . T H E E N D . T H E E N D . T H E E N D . T H E E N D .

**A/N:** This fic ain't serious business. I wasn't trying to make a statement, I was trying to be funny. As in HAW HAW HAW then move on. Cheers to any Twilight fans who read this and didn't take this as an assault on your pride. And come on. Even if you're an Edward fan, well, if he has to die he may as well go out sparkling to the max, LOL. I… have a morbid sense of humor. You'll have to excuse me.


End file.
